Kids and Social Media: What you really need to know
Intro - Joseph, Family, Etc. I am not an expert on social media. I am, however, a dad and a student pastor who is concerned for kids and how they interact with social media. So… Let’s talk about social media. And as we talk about social media, I want you not to just think about how to protect your precious little ones from the “evil of social media,” but instead think about, how to engage your kids in healthy conversation about social media, so that they might learn to use it wisely.
Knives are dangerous, and so when they are little, we cut our kids food for them. As they grow and mature, we give them the freedom to cut their own food. We try to be smart about it. We don’t let them throw the knives, or use a meat cleaver to cut up their waffles. We show them how to safely use the tool they've been given, and trust that they will be mature enough to use it wisely. Knives are dangerous, but they can be really useful.
Social media can be dangerous, but it can also be really useful. Whether you are ready or not to accept it, social media and communication through technology is here to stay. Its reach will only get deeper into our society as time goes on. The wise choice as a parent is to understand the social media climate the best you can, and equip your children to make wise decisions when it comes to their consumption and participation in social media.
The first thing we need to do is define Social Media. Have you ever been in a situation at a lunch or a meeting, and the people you are with are talking about a topic that you really have no idea about… but you smile and nod as though you are tracking right along? Happens to me all the time. I pretend to understand things I don’t really understand… happens a lot to me on hospital visitation!
When we pretend we already understand things we don’t really understand, we never really get to understand them. So let’s be honest, many of us pretend we understand social media, but we don’t. And this disconnect starts with how we define it.
Here’s how lots of parents define social media:
Social media = Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Some parents will add on to that definition things like Snapchat.
Those things are indeed part of social media, but that definition is too narrow.
Here’s how I think we should define it:
Social media = Any technology that lets you share something with someone else.
Texting is social media. Sending a photo or a text to another person, even if it’s just one friend, is a form of social media. It might just feel like a text, but it’s a media that is allowing you to be social. Commenting on a YouTube video is a form of social media. You just shared a thought with a lot of other people.
The reason we need a bigger definition of the phrase is that it gives us the chance to have a bigger conversation with our kids. Most kids and students don’t think texting is social media. So while we give them speeches about the way to use Instagram, we leave them vulnerable to the rest of the realm of social media.
So, Let’s be parents who admit that we don’t understand everything so that we can get to understand social media better, and invite our kids into that conversation.
With this new definition of social media, by show of hands, how many of you have kids who use social media?
The #1 Lie Parents Believe About Social Media
The #1 lie parents believe about social media is that that they have to be as tech savvy as their kids.
Why is that a lie? Because you will NEVER be as tech savvy as your kids.
How do I know? Well, I used an iPhone for the first time when I was 31. My Son used an iPhone for the first time when he was 3. If someone started learning to play the guitar when they were 31, and someone started learning it when they were 3, in the long run, who do you think is going to be better?
I started my Facebook page 7 years ago (hard to believe it has only been 7 years!). I love technology. I love that it is becoming increasingly easy to communicate. I post something every day on Instagram or Twittter, that shows up on Facebook. And every time I’m around high school students and the subject comes up, I learn something completely new about technology from them.
Every day, it’s wired into every part of their lives. At school, at home, at play, they are connected to a constant stream of technology. Seeing that, we fear they are about to leave us in the dust. We feel like we are failing because we don’t know how to use Snapchat or even understand if Tinder is something we should be worried about. Overwhelmed and exhausted, we do what we usually do when we feel like a failure in a certain part of life—we avoid it.
Most parents I know tried to keep up with their kids, realized they couldn’t be experts at the entire Internet, and just threw in the white flag of surrender. They won’t even enter the conversation because they feel so far behind the digital eight ball. Out of fear and frustration, we all become virtual ostriches with our heads in the sand.
What’s the solution to this dilemma?
Focus more on truth than technology.
Instead of trying to keep up with ever changing trends, hold on to never changing truths.
For example, treating other people the way you’d want to be treated.
You will never be as tech savvy as your kids, but that’s okay.
Be the leader of truth in your house, that’s far more important.
You don’t have to be an expert, but you should know how Social Media networks operate. These are the platforms your teenagers or soon to be teenagers are probably using right now.
Here is some advice to get you started on educating yourself and your children on how to use social media safely:
1. Help your child to respect themselves and others. If you stop them from being on Twitter or Facebook they might just move to WhatsApp or Instagram or SnapChat or Google+ or … you get the point. Give them the skills to make good decisions first and foremost. Do this by having open conversation. See the 4 questions by John Acuff at http://theparentcue.org/
Question #1 - How are you using social media right now?
Question #2 - What do your devices do?
Question #3 - “Which of your friends have devices?”
Question #4 - Have you seen anything interesting lately? My personal favorite!
2. Teach your kids that whatever they put on social media is permanent (this includes texting!) Private is not always private. The photo they post online is not owned by them anymore. It’s owned by Facebook, Instagram, and Google, etc… and they can do what they want with it (so can that bully who happens to be a friend of a friend on Facebook which gives them access to certain photos your child posts).
3. Some day your kids may apply to a high school or college or submit a resume for their dream job and I can assure you they will most likely be researched online. Ask yourself, what will their impression of my child be when their done? Teach them to also share their accomplishments like academic awards, sports awards, volunteering, community events, school club activities etc. online when they are involved in them.
4. Lead by example. Practice what you preach if you want them to navigate their digital life safely.
5. Explain to your child that communicating verbally is completely different than communicating online. If you happen to say something verbally that you later regret you can fix this over time. If you happen to post something online that you later regret that content may never disappear and you may never be able to fix it.
6. Tell your child to never take seductive photos and text them to his/her “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. It’s incredibly risky and foolish because at some point his/her boyfriend/girlfriend probably won’t be the only person to see those photos. ‘Sexting’ should be a subject discussed before any smartphone is purchased. All this applies to pictures of under-age drinking, doing drugs, or any other illegal activity! Wise choices and maturity. If you wouldn’t want your grandmother or mother to see it, don’t share it.
7. Be present and aware of what your children are doing online. Don’t give your tween a laptop/iPad/iPod and let them go to their room for the night if you don’t plan on keeping an eye on them. Know what apps they have. Know their password to these devices. You have to find a balance between trusting your child and parenting. If you don’t give them some space they’ll never learn to make good decisions (even if that means making a mistake here and there) and if you’re completely oblivious to their online activities you’re making it far too easy for them to potentially make an unrepairable mistake.
8. Teach your child not to interact/follow people they don’t know in person (exceptions: sports stars, celebrities, etc.. who are positive role models).
9. Review the privacy settings of each app with your child. You’ll probably want to make sure that they’re not sharing their current location. Watch this video to see why.
VIDEO
10. Start this journey into social media by making your teenager responsible for their hardware as well. Paying for their own smartphone and monthly bill will quickly teach a teen responsibility and accountability. No work, no money, no phone. It’s how the real world works. Too young to work, or you don’t want them to work during school year? Then it’s the parents’ device and all time-limits, usage rules, passwords are completely dictated by the parent.
Apps/websites that you need to be monitoring if your teens/tweens are using them:
Remember it’s not necessarily about the technology. It’s more about how the technology is being used. However, some of these apps/websites encourage risky behavior.
1. Tinder – This app lets your kid “like” people who are as close as 1 mile from their location. If the other person “likes” your child back then they’ll be able to chat and give their location. This app is known for “hook ups”.
2. Ask.fm – This is a question and answer social site that allows people to ask and answer anonymously (the bullying possibilities are endless).
3. SnapChat – The app that supposedly allows users to send a photo that will disappear “forever” after 30 seconds. The problem is that it’s easy to take a screenshot, which makes that statement ridiculously untrue.
4. Calculator% –Private Photo (Calculator%) app is private photos and videos hidden behind calculator. Anyone who starts this application looks as a calculator but if you put in passcode it will open up private area. All files are securely stored in the App and remain completely private and confidential.
5. Kik Messenger - While the messenger app is simple and often fun to use, with meme-making features and the ability to add videos and images to chats, it’s also full of random sex-spammers.
6. WhatsApp – Recently purchased by Facebook. This app allows users to chat, send messages, send photos, join groups, etc…
7. Chatroulette – A website that matches you randomly with another user so that you can video chat with them. According to a poll – 1 in 8 spins yielded someone apparently naked, exposing themselves or engaging in a sexual act.
“Parents should keep all their children off the site because it’s much too dangerous for children. It’s a predator’s paradise. This is one of the worst faces of the Internet that I’ve seen. It’s disconnecting human relationships rather than connecting them.” –Dr. Keith Ablow (is an American psychiatrist, author and television personality. He is also a contributor on psychiatry for Fox News Channel.)
8. Vine - Vine, the app that lets you record and share six-second videos, seems like a totally safe app at first. It gets dangerous when you consider how strong peer pressure is on social media.
Teens, as I'm sure you remember, will do almost anything for acceptance and attention. The best way to get attention on social media is to do something edgy or crazy. Last year, in the most dramatic example yet, teens across the world took to setting themselves on fire.
I'm not kidding. The #FireChallenge hashtag was one of the most popular in August.
9. Musical.ly a popular app for creating 15-second music videos. How it works is kids select snippets of popular songs and record themselves singing, lip-syncing or dancing. Some kids skip the music and perform 15-second comedy skits. Once they finish recording, kids can add effects/filters and share them on musical.ly as well as other popular social networks.
To grow their fan base, teens can share their videos anywhere. Musical.ly encourages users to post on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Messenger, WhatsApp, and Vine.
Accounts are public by default. This means anyone can see his or her videos and anyone can follow them. Kids can choose to make their accounts private. To set up a private account, they should go to their profile and click on the gear in the right hand corner and choose settings. From here, they can scroll down and choose “private account”. With a private account, kids must approve every follower and only their followers can see their music videos. Like Twitter and Instagram, kids cannot choose to make some videos public and some private. It is all or nothing.
Even with a private account, their profile is still public. Other musers, can search for their account and see their profile photo, username and short bio. People can also see their fans, followers and likes. What they cannot see is their music videos unless they are an approved follower. Teens should keep their personal information and private usernames off their musical.ly public profile.
There is a new “it” app that your child will be downloading all the time. It’s extremely important to teach them about making good decisions and the consequences that come with making bad ones. Just because they might be “anonymous” on said social network doesn’t excuse them from being a good person who is respectful of others.
Questions
Before today, how would you have defined “social media?”
Understanding that social media is, “Any technology that lets you share something with someone else,” what social media platforms do you currently use? What platforms do your kids use? How are you currently monitoring their online experience?
How can you help your kids develop the skills to make good decisions when it comes to social media? What are some Biblical principles that might apply?
How is communicating verbally different than communicating online? What are the ramifications of posting something online that you might later regret?
Why is it important to review the privacy settings of each app with your child?
What policies do you already have in place for the way your kids engage social media or use devices, that might be helpful to someone else?
*Honorable Mention - Whisper -This website allows users to post “secrets” and photos anonymously. It also allows whispering to other users anonymously as well. Here is their tagline: “Express Yourself – Share Secrets – Meet New People.”
Resources:
Articles and websites:
Tools:
Security:
https://www.opendns.com/