Since I posted Lisa's thoughts on losing the baby, I thought I would also share her most recent post as well. I love that girl.
So this morning has been a great day of celebration around here. My little Fletcher turns 5 today!! Birthday donuts and Lego building, new iPod listening and guitar playing are in full force!! We have a rule around here… the 1st day you get something you are not required to share if you don’t want to. Fletch is NOT sharing, unless he needs big brother’s help with the Lego building! :0) Causing a bit of frustration for the brothers, but he’s having a great day!
I received a call from my doctor this morning. When I had my procedure done on June 16th we asked that chromosome testing be done on the baby. When I was thinking about whether or not I wanted the testing, I didn’t think it really would matter and ultimately it doesn’t, but I didn’t want to regret not finding out and having it be too late. Results are in and I am so relieved and thankful for our decision.
Dr. Pixley said that the baby, a little boy, had Down syndrome. In keeping with our “little boy name ending in ‘er’” pattern, we have named him Tyler Shon McMurry. I am filled with warmth and love for my sweet baby all over again! I love that our baby has a name. He was real to me before, but he is even more real to me now!
This feels like a beginning, like the grief and healing can begin. I have been waiting for these results for a month, feeling kind of numb or at peace, not sure which. It is so strange not understanding your own emotions. The process is hard. A mommy’s love for her baby is so strong even before he enters the world. My heart aches to hold Tyler on my chest and feel him breathe and hear him cry. I long for that first stare into my eyes, knowing that he knows me instantly… but that will have to wait. For now I will cry and I will miss him. Taking one day at a time I will allow God to heal my broken heart and to reveal Himself to me in new ways. I will remind myself every day that God loves me more deeply that I can understand, that He knows best, and that I need to trust Him more fully, especially when I don’t understand. I will rest…
“So baby let sweet Jesus hold you, til mom and dad can hold you. You’ll just have heaven before we do.” Glory Baby, Watermark
